Best Of…March – And the Winner Is…

•April 1, 2010 • 1 Comment

Don’t call it a comeback…I’ve been here for years (sorry…thought I was LL Cool J there for a second…it happens a lot because we look so much a like).  In a come from behind victory, “Now Hiring – Ninja Assassins!”, my brilliant idea for a professional Ninja job placement service pulls out the win with 50% of the vote.   “Love At 20 MPH”, the sweet tale of an old man (me) flirting with a pretty 20 something (sunglass girl) while stuck in traffic on my way home from work, comes in second place with 38%.  “Love At 20 MPH” was in the lead…but I should have known that nothing beats a Ninja…that is why Ninjas are so awesome…they don’t lose.  Thanks to everyone who voted.

So I’m finding myself with a lot of time on my hands the last couple of days (and the next two weeks for that matter) and I have been thinking about ways to occupy my time.  Writing this post, something has come to me.  No it’s not brilliant, but most things on TV aren’t.  I could write a sitcom about a Ninja who goes to a job placement company looking for work.  Just think of all the crazy shenanigans Carl – The “Consultant” could get into.  Every week he would be placed with a different company by his hot recruiter (love interest) who likes him but has trouble finding him jobs…because he’s a Ninja.  Different guest stars every week…the only recurring characters would be Carl, the recruiter, and the crazy boss of the agency (a Craig Ferguson type…because he is funny).  I take it back, this really is brilliant! 

It’s not any crazier then putting a young David Hasselhoff with a talking car.  Or having David Spade in…well…anything.  You can keep laughing…but this is a good idea.  I’m going to bang out a pilot script in two weeks…just you wait…and it’s going to be awesome.  How do I know?  Because it will be about a Ninja…and anything with a Ninja is automatically all different kinds of awesome. 

“A sitcom about a Ninja in a job placement program is the best idea ever in the history of mankind!”

– Unknown (ok…it was me…but it really is an awesome idea) 

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Best Of…March

•March 27, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I really didn’t do a lot of posting in March…only 5 posts…that is just lazy.  I wrote 3 drafts that I never got around to finishing…so I will make a concerted effort to complete those in April.  To be fair to me…I have had a lot going on this month…I resigned from my job up in Northgate, I’m doing a lot of work on my house, and I have been drinking copious amounts of booze…so you know, I have been busy.

Since I have only posted 5 posts, they all will be represented in the poll…though only 1 or 2 probably deserve to be listed.  I guess that is the price you pay for being a lazy writer.  It is my goal to post at least 10 posts in April…even if they are just small rants about much I hate fizzy water…or how intimate and sexy it can be when a beautiful woman makes you dinner and tells you her theories on the back story of  Shakespeare.  I mean, I have things to write about, I just need to find the time.  Clearly my yard work is going to have to suffer in April… because it sure isn’t going to be the drinking.

Here are the posts up for “Best Of” (even if they sucked ass) for March…

Love at 20 MPH…

•March 22, 2010 • 2 Comments

No, I didn’t get lucky while driving my car over the weekend…though that would have been pretty sweet.  Tonight, while sitting in i5 traffic on my way home from work…I enganged in a very meaningful 30 minute driving affair… and it was everything I hoped it would be.

I work in the north gate area and live in Tacoma…so my commute home from work is always 1 to 2 hours long, depending on traffic.  I usually kill time by singing along to Lady Gaga songs…but tonight was different.  I had Kate Winslet cruising at at 75 MPH (yes, I named my silver BMW Kate Winslet because she is pretty and sophisticated…just like Kate…don’t judge!) and as I was passing Renton I noticed a white late-model Toyota behind me…it’s driver, a mid 20’s, attractive brunette wearing oversized white sun glasses.  Thinking to myself… ‘she is pretty’…I think nothing more of it and continue on my merry way.            

As I start passing Federal Way, traffic starts slowing to a crawl and I open my sun roof to enjoy a cool breeze.  Looking in my rearview mirror, I noticed sunglass girl smile and do the same thing.  After continuing on, at an incredibly slow pace, the lane to the right of me starts to go a little faster and sunglass girl changes lanes.  “Nice car” she mouths as she passes…”thanks” I reply.  After sunglass girl fully passes,  I pat Kate Winselt on the dash and promise a very expensive car wash as reward for being so girl friendly.

A couple of minutes later, traffic had come to a complete stop…and there we were, side by side once again.  We give each other a “can you believe this traffic” look and she does the classic, gun to the head, pull trigger, suicide gesture to put herself out of her misery.  I got a little creative and made a noose, wrapped it around my neck, and then promptly hung myself…it was quite dramatic.  Laughing, she mouths “well done” and I do a slight head bow before my lane starts to speed up. 

We passed one another a couple more times over the next 20 minutes.  I learned she was driving to Portland, she learned I was 35 and promptly mouthed “old man” and laughed.  I do my fake righteous indignation and she tries to cover by mouthing “older is better” (at least I think that is what she mouthed)….and we both laugh.  As I was changing lanes to take my exit, she passed me one last time and as I waved, she blew me a kiss.  It was the best blown kiss I have ever had the pleasure of receiving.           

I don’t know if it was Kate Winslet, the sexy black dress shirt I was wearing, or if I was having a particularly good hair day (hey…it still happens…but I suspect it was Kate Winslet).  Either way, it was fleeting, fantastic, and sunglass girl totally wanted me…well, that is how I’m going to remember it anyway.

“Flirting is the art of making a man feel pleased with himself.”

– Unknown

My Kingdom For A Good Joke…

•March 18, 2010 • 1 Comment

Many years ago…I had a crazy girlfriend who would always want me to tell her a joke.  Every time we hung out, inevitably, she would say the words “tell me a joke” and god help me if I didn’t have one at the ready.  “How do you expect to keep me around if you can’t make me laugh” she would say with just enough of an edge that I couldn’t tell if she was the one telling me the joke.   So, to play it safe because she was really pretty, the 9 months we were together I was always fishing for new jokes or one liners to share with her because however funny she deemed my jokes to be would be directly proportional to how much action I could expect to get that night. Yeah, we had a very strange relationship. 

I can only remember two of the jokes I used to try to advance my “Corey Needs Some Love” cause (which was a very important cause to me at the time…circa 1995).  One joke was so bad it made her say “that sucked Corey, you need to try harder…and you can keep your hands to yourself tonight”.  So, that evening, I was stuck in barren desert devoid of any loving thanks to a lame joke that I will share another time.  The other joke I remember made her laugh enough to let me pick the movie we would be watching that night, which was a pretty big deal because I never got to pick the movie, and it allowed me to reach the proverbial promise land.  At the time, I was thinking…’this is the best joke ever!’  In case you were wondering, I picked the classic film, The Usual Suspects staring Kevin Spacey, Gabriel Byrne, and Chazz Palminteri.  It was and still is an awesome movie…she hated it.  I should have known then it was never going to work. 

Why am I telling sharing this information?  Well, a friend of mine recently asked me to tell her a joke.  I immediately flashed back to my ex and all the good things that happened for me using the joke that made her laugh.  So, me being the smart man that I am, I chose to recycle said ‘best joke ever’ to see if it would get me anywhere with my pretty new friend.  The joke is as follows: 

How can you tell Ronald McDonald on a nude beach?  He is the one with the sesame seed buns.  

Yeah…my pretty new friend didn’t laugh either.  I had to keep my hands to myself that night AND I didn’t get to pick the movie.  Clearly humor is subjective…and clearly I need new material.

” A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.” 

– T.S. Eliot

Now Hiring – Ninja Assassins!

•March 12, 2010 • 1 Comment

There it was…looking all awesome in its black hardback cover and silver writing that simply said “Ninja – The Shadow Warrior” on the front.  Thinking to myself…’I have always wanted to be a ninja’, I look around to make sure no one is watching and start to thumb through the tomb of deadly ninja secrets.  Intrigued by the cool pictures and thoughts of being able to show off sweet Ninja moves to my friends, I quickly made my way to the counter to make the purchase.  I was shocked when the price rang up at only $9…”what a steal” I say out loud to the clerk who was helping me.  Looking down at the book, then at me, she agreed with my assessment and replied, “oh there is some theft going on here for sure”.  I gave her a knowing smile as I walked out…clearly she was as big a fan of the Ninja arts as I was.

The book is really quite informative.  It talks about the history of the Ninja and how they started by exiled Chinese generals cohabitating with spiritual japanese monks in the mountains of Japan.  It also gives details to all the cool Ninja weapons that were used.  I remembered being about 12 years old when I begged my mom to buy me a Ninja throwing star.  I loved that Ninja star – for the whole day and a half that I had it.  One poorly aimed toss that may or may not have hit the side of my mom’s car and I’m grounded for two weeks –  the Ninja star never to be seen again.  The book also talks about Ninja training and how it takes 10+ years of endless practice and dedication to reach the ranks of Ninja.  Clearly the author was not aware of the Ninja training program offered at the YMCA…where in just 6 months (two-hour class every Monday and Wednesday) and a low price of $200 (cost of Ninja outfit not included), you too could be a Ninja.  Note to self – look into YMCA membership for potential Ninja class discount.         

One thing the book does not cover, however, is the limited career options for a Ninja.  It’s a tough economy right now…I bet even Ninjas are looking for work.  Yet, I never see the job title “Ninja Assassin” listed on Monster…or Criagslist for that matter.  I know because I have looked.  And how, exactly, does a Ninja network? Are there Ninja conferences you can attend at the local Hilton to learn about the latest and greatest Ninja techniques and weapons?  Do they carry around cards that says “Ninja Assassin”?  What if a Ninja is sitting next to some hot chick on an airplane and she asks “what you do for a living?”  Does he look at her with cool, steely eyes and say “I’m a Ninja, here is my card…cell number is on the back”.  Damn…that would be so cool – a Ninja would make the best single serving airplane friend ever!  

Maybe I’ve just stumbled onto a brilliant business idea – Corporate Ninja Job Placement.  I could offer Ninja’s to corporate clients for 1 or 2 day contract work, or even full-time direct hire positions.  I can totally see Microsoft or Starbucks needing a group of Ninja’s on staff to take care of business when someone gets out of line. Of course, the Ninja’s official title would be “Consultent”…but everyone would know.  Just one incident where Carl, the “consultant”, witnesses little Billy the intern drink the last of the coffee and NOT make a new pot, and word would get around.  Next thing you know, little Billy’s gone missing, and Carl, the “consultant”, gets a fresh cup of coffee delivered to his office every morning by upper management.     

Just think of the possibilities!  You have a Starbucks store not bringing in the revenue for which it was budgeted?  Guess what store manager is going to get a visit by Carl, the “consultant”, in the near future!  I bet performance would turn around real quick if a store manager recieved the following e-mail: 

“Dear Slacker,  

The revenue for your store has been down 15% this quarter.  Corporate has asked me to handle this situation – quietly.  Please note – if an increase in revenue is not demonstrated within 5 business days, I will be arriving on the 6th business day between the hours of midnight and 5am to “take a look at your numbers”.   

I know where you live…

Yours truly,

Carl – The “Consultant”  

I really think I’m onto something here.  Now I just need to find some Ninja’s who are looking for work.  I wonder if the YMCA would let me put up a “Now Hiring – Ninja Assassins” sign in their lobby.  I also wonder how long you have to be in the class before you can score a Ninja outfit…I would look pretty rad in a Ninja outfit.

“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can buy you a Ninja.”

– Unknown

Sweet Disposition – Favorite Song On The Radio Right Now…

•March 9, 2010 • 1 Comment

I was driving home late one night last week after visiting a friend and heard this song playing on 107.7 the end (Seattle’s alternative radio station).  It starts off with a cool repetitive guitar riff a la Where The Streets Have No Name by U2…and at fist I was thinking…’well this interesting’…but then the lead singers voice kicks in and I was like…’WTF…didn’t see that coming’ as it is quite high and seems a little out of place at first.  As the song starts to build…and the singer moves into the chores, you relize…this is a really catchy song…and the singers voice, while unique, is somehow comforting, and totally appropriate.   When it ended, I found myself immediately wanting to hear it again.  Thankfully, my car stereo informed me via the digital readout that the song is called Sweet Disposition, and the band is “The Temper Trap”.  Armed with the required information, I continue on my way home…looking forward to doing a little youtube research.

Thank god for youtube!  I mean, where else would I be able to watch full episodes of The Wonder Years at 2am when I can’t sleep?  Anyway, through the magical power of youtube, I was able to watch the trippy, really need to see this while under the influence, video for Sweet Disposition.  The protagonist is a pretty girl who apparently wants nothing more then to fulfill a suicide wish by roller skating into the sun.  How awesome is that!  Pretty damn awesome – that’s how awesome it is!  At first, however, she is not succesful and is pushed back by the suns powerful energy rays (I’m not making this shit up, I swear – watch the video).   But fear not, our roller skating hero does not give up – and with the band singing “don’t stop till it’s over” repeatedly to cheer her on, she finally breaks through the invisible wall and looks back at the camera with perfect mix of happiness and remorse as she drifts into the suns warm and loving embrace.  Fantastic! 

Any video of a pretty girl roller skating to her demise into a freaking sun gets two enthusiastic thumbs up by me.  Good for you roller skater girl…way to make your dreams come true!  Awesome song – awesome video.

“Without music life would be a mistake.”

– Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Corey is…going crazy…

•March 7, 2010 • 5 Comments

I have been a bad blogger – well…I don’t really know what constitutes a good or bad blogger…so it may be more accurate to say I have been a negligent blogger.  For this, I apologize, and I will try to do better in the future.  To get things back on track, I thought I would write about something near and dear to my heart…going crazy.  

I currently find myself completely unmotivated to do anything.  I can’t seem to find a single thing that interests me or brings meaning anymore.  All of my days really do seem to run together and blur into one big convoluted memory of a never-ending cycle of work, commute, sleep.  Maybe I’m in the beginning of a mid-life crisis – I have read about those, and I think I’m hitting that age.  So, I guess the next step is buying a ridiculous sports car and dating a big breasted 22 year old.  Even the thought of that does not interest me…let alone actually doing it.

At work, I manage a department of 30 people…constently making decisions that impact the lives of others.  Like a good leader should, I gather information and based on the information I have, make the choice I feel is best for the company, my department, and my staff…it’s automatic and I’m quite good at it.  Yet, in my personal life…I truly can’t decide if my favorite color is black or gray. Is my favorite type of food mexican or italian? Am I a democrat or republican?  I can’t seem take a position on anything.  In debates with friends I will take a passionate stance on a subject only to be reminded that the previous month I took the exact opposite position, just as passionately.  In looking back on the last 15 years of my life – I think I have somehow lost myself…and thus don’t know what is really important to me.  How can you take a position or proclaim to believe in anything without knowing who you really are, whats important to you, or what brings meaning to your life?   

I have always been a detached individual.  Never really allowing myself to get close or invested in anything or anyone (with a few exceptions).    So when something, or someone does come along that I truly care about, I don’t really know what to do.  I can’t find a way to show them who I really am, or what is truly important to me, because I don’t really know.  Maybe living a life of detachment is finally catching up to me.  I’m unmotivated because I live a life devoid of meaning.  What am I working for?  Who am I working for?  Why do I get out of bed in the morning?  What is important to me?  What am I passionate about?  These are questions I don’t have answers too.  How can you live a life that is worth anything without having answers to those questions?  Every day, I’m learning more and more, that you can’t.

I need to find a way to hold on to relationships that are meaningful to me.  I need to understand and recognize, who and what is important in my life.  And, most importantly, I need to understand why I have thus far been unable to do those very things.

“Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music.”

– Angela Monet