Best Of…February

•February 25, 2010 • 3 Comments

Wow, the month of February went by really fast!  I know it has less days then all the other months…but still…February just flew by.  Since it’s the end of the month, I’m once again asking for votes for your favorite post.  For January, I had a pretty good idea my epic battle with Double B was going to take it (even though it was not my personal favorite)…but this month…I really don’t know.  They were all fun to write…even if somewhat humiliating…(yeah, I’m looking at you “A Fine Physical Specimen I Am”…).

A friend of mine told me that if I ever want a sugar mama I’m going to need to start highlighting my attractive qualities in my posts…so maybe I will focus on portraying myself in a more positive light in March.  I will give it a shot, but I fear I won’t have much to write about.  I mean, making fun of myself is easy…and there seems to be an endless supply of material.  Besides…if I’m going to get a sugar mama to fall for me…she is going to need to fall for all my faults as well…not only because they make us who we are…but also because there are a lot!

Here are posts up for “best of” for February.

Gardening Is Good For The Soul…

•February 23, 2010 • 1 Comment

I have had a lot on my mind lately…career, life, love, the usual stuff most 35 year old single guys find themselves thinking about.  Since I can’t find anyone to play tennis with me…and I’m too damn old to play soccer anymore, I’m finding it difficult to be what you would call an “exerciser”.  So, I needed to find another outlet…something to allow my thoughts to drift and just turn my brain off for a while.  What I didn’t expect…was that something would turn out to be gardening. 

Maybe it’s the mind numbing task of pulling weeds, or the physical labor of moving heavy rocks and shoveling dirt, but for some reason, my head is always clearer and I feel much better after several hours of gardening.  I am definitely a beginner gardner…I bought gardening for dummies to help get me started and make sure I don’t hurt myself in planting and landscaping endeavors.  I tell my friends I have started gardening and they laugh and say something about how I’m turning into and old man.  As true as that may be, I’m actually really enjoying it…and I’m starting to accomplish quite a lot. 

This weekend I planted a hedge and two rhododendrons and laid river rock around them with some bigger decorative rocks along the side of my house.  I also mowed my yard in the middle of freaking February, which was a little creepy because…well…it’s the middle of freaking February.  I’m quite happy with how everything turned out.  Standing in my yard, holding a shovel with dirty hands, I was no longer consumed by thoughts of the job I don’t have, a life I don’t lead, or the girl I can’t be with.  Maybe that is the thing about gardening…you put a little bit of effort and time into it…and then you can look at your work and say “I did that”…and everything else just fades away.   

Nothing gives you a real sense of accomplishment like working in your yard all day…even if you were singing Bad Romance by Lady Gaga, loud enough for your neighbors to look at you funny as they walk by.

“A garden is never so good as it will be next year”

– Thomas Cooper

Somebody Saaavvveee Me! Guilty Pleasures…#2

•February 18, 2010 • 1 Comment

For some strange reason, I have an affinity to teenage drama tv shows (what?…you don’t know me…don’t judge!).  To list some examples: Gilmore Girls – I own the first 4 seasons on DVD, Dawson’s Creak – I was sooooo glad Joey picked Pacey over Dawson…you have no idea, Buffy – I know all the songs from the musical episode, Once More With Feeling, by heart, and last but not least, Smallville – which I DVR religiously every Friday night so I can watch it while I’m hung over Saturday morning.  Why on earth would I watch a tv show based on events of a young Superman’s drama filled life?  I will tell you why… Allison Mack, who plays the ever so lovable Chloe Sullivan!

A large percentage of the time, the episodes of Smallville are not that great; you have your standard meteor induced freak that the superhero crew needs to put the smack down on…and then sometimes there are some really outstanding episodes…usally involving someone of import dying (Smallville does funeral scenes really well).  Also, the two main villains, Lex and Lionel Luther were both awesome, but no longer on the show.  But Allison, god bless her and everything she stands for, is the real reason I, and most other 25-35 year old guys who view this fine program (and yes, there are a lot) tune in. 

Allison’s character, Chloe, is every dork boy’s dream girl.  She is smart, up to date on current dork culture, really cute, but not so cute that you don’t think you have a shot with her, and you know she is down with drinking a bottle of wine and getting in a heated debate over what movie represents John Cusack’s finest work… (Say Anything). Yup…she is just about perfect.  I don’t know much about Allison herself, but I like to think she is just as cool as Chloe.     

Chloe always gets the shaft (proverbially) in Smallville.  She spends the first 7 seasons being in love with Superjerk (cool band name) and when she finally moves on and marries another dude, he gets killed by some rock freak while saving her life…I mean come on!   The man of steel (and bad taste in women) does not know what he is missing…and while he may be to busy trying to impress Lois “dirty tramp” Lane, I have all the time in the world for you Chloe…you can count on me! 

If I ever actually met Allison Mack…I’m confident she would ask me for my e-mail address and phone number after I impress her with my deep understand of all things Smallville.  I’m also quite sure she would find my growing bald spot, buddha belly, and firm grip on reality attractive.

 “It’s like fate…inevitable, but always surprising when it happens.”

– Chloe Sullivan – Smallville

A Fine Physical Specimen I Am…

•February 16, 2010 • Leave a Comment

You know you are out of shape when you pull something getting up from the couch…which may or may not of happened to me this evening.  I remember, not all that long ago, when I was playing soccer and tennis regularly…and in good enough shape to sprint a considerable distance without getting too winded.  Now I need to catch my breath after walking up two flights of stairs.

My spirit may be bent…but it’s not broken.  Below is my 3 point plan to getting into better shape.

  1. Stop eating peanut butter M&M’s for breakfast – I’m no nutritionist…but I’m pretty sure they are not part of a balanced and healthy diet
  2. Get more exercise – I’m not saying I’m lazy…but I would rather walk around the entire house looking for the remote control then walk 5 feet from my sofa to the big screen to change the channel by hand (more exercise in the short run…far more sitting on my lazy butt in the long run)
  3. Recognize that just because a food falls in several food groups (or just one for that matter), does not mean it is healthy – If you break it down enough, pizza sounds really good for you

I’m supremely confident in my ability to follow these 3 steps and turn myself into a well rounded, and less round, healthy individual.  Well, 2 out of the 3 steps anyway, I really do love peanut butter M&M’s.

“I have found that there is only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.”

– Rodney Dangerfield

Love Actually – Valentines Day Sucks…Most Of The Time…

•February 15, 2010 • 1 Comment

I’m normally not a big fan of Valentines Day…maybe it’s because I’m not in a position to be.  I think its fare to say I spend about 50% of my day being hopelessly jaded to love and completely closed to the whole idea of it…and the other 50% being a hopeless romantic, confident that true love does exist, and a pretty girl is out there somewhere…just waiting for me to find her.  Get a couple of drinks in me and my position on the matter of love becomes even more confusing.  In an effort to not be a complete loser and spend Valentines Day alone, I hung out with a girlfriend of mine and watched the best romantic comedy ever…Love Actually.  This movie appeals to me because we get to see so many aspects and stories of love…each with their own twists and turns…and not all of them having happy endings.  My date for the evening asked me which of the stories was my favorite…and, of course, I was conflicted. 

The hopeless romantic in me loves the story of the writer, Jamie, and his assistant/house maid, Aurelia, who come from two different worlds and speak two different languages… but somehow find a way to communicate in the universal language that needs no translation…the language of love.  This is probably the most unrealistic story of the movie…but that does not make any less sweet or enjoyable. 

I mean, who wouldn’t want to get away from a bad situation involving your girlfriend and brother, rent a nice cozy house on a lake to do some writing and mend a broken heart, and then find the girl of your dreams…who, as luck would have it, does not speak a lick of your native tongue.  For some of us not very clever with words or who are easily flustered by pretty people of the opposite sex, this may be a good thing.  You can’t help but cheer as he asks her to marry him in Portuguese and she answers him in English….sooooo sweet.  I think it’s telling that this is one of the two stories that the movie ends on…because it appeals to the hopeless romantic in all of us.

The bitter, jaded, love sucks, side of me, can’t help but find an attachment to the story of Juliet, the pretty ingénue, and Mark, the best friend of her new husband, who happens to be madly in love with her.  She is not yet wise to his feelings in the beginning of the movie and both her and her husband think Mark just does not like her very much.  Clearly they both need to get their love dial recalibrated because our boy Mark is head over heals…and in deep deep smit with Juliet. 

In one of my favorite scenes, Juliet comes over to borrow Marks wedding video…with a gift of pie as a piece offering to win him over.  Little does she know, he has already been won over, and then some.  As she starts to watch the video…the viewer bares witness to two things…Juliet’s realization that Mark is completely and utterly in love with her…and Mark’s heart breaking as she comes to this realization.  “You don’t like me!” she says with confusion.  “It’s a… self-preservation thing, you see.” he replies.  He knows, she knows, and there is not a damn thing they can do about it.  They share the sweet “sign” moment later in the movie…and she gives him a “if only things were different…but they are not” kiss…and he comes to terms with his unrequited love saying…”enough…enough now.”  It’s real, it’s honest, and I love it.

On a side note, Natalie, the Prime Ministers girlfriend (and the actress who plays her)…is my dream girl.  Yes sir, she is all different kinds of awesome.  Valentines Day, normally day of complete suck, was relatively bearable this year…thanks Love Actually!

“But you know, the thing about romance is… people only get together right at the very end.”

Sam – Love Actually

Audience Of One – Favorite Song On The Radio Right Now…

•February 13, 2010 • 1 Comment

I love it when a song sneaks up on you.  Sometimes the sneaking will take several listens before it can take hold…other times, a song will grab you after just one…and not let go.  I heard Cold War Kids Audience on the radio on my way home from work last week.  When the song first came on…I was distracted by thoughts about work, life, love…but by the end I was hooked.  Not really knowing all the words, I was trying to sing along… moving my head and using my steering wheel as a drum kit…tapping away to a rhythm that didn’t really give me a choice.  It’s simple, it’s invasive, and it’s fantastic…because it makes me look back on all my favorite memories of playing my guitar…and I was always playing for an audicence of one. 

“The most important part of my religion is to play guitar. ”

– Lou Reed

Corey Needs A Sugar Mama…

•February 10, 2010 • 2 Comments

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about a career change.  Well, I guess I have been thinking about it for a long time, but I have REALLY been thinking about it lately.  I’m only 35 so there are still various career paths I could choose, even if my dream of being the first NFL Place Kicker/Male Porn Star combo career is no longer an option.  Another dream I have held for many years is going to law school to pursue a career in the legal arts.  However, too many financial commitments have prevented me from pursuing said law school dream…up until now.

Someone at work was kind enough to reminded me today that I’m not getting any younger, and if I really want to pursue my dream of going to law school, then I should stop wasting time and get on it.  This wise and giving co-worker also pointed out a way for me to keep my financial commitments while still being able to go to law school full time.  Staring at her, wide eyed with anticipation as to what the answer to my financial problem could possibly be, she simply says…”sugar mama”.

“Sugar Mama”…I wisper to myself as I walk away…thinking of the possibilities.  I’m a 35 year old single male, healthy…aside from the high cholesterol thing, in relatively good shape…aside from that whole popping exercise ball incident, and relatively attractive…aside from the growing bald spot catastrophe.  Yup…the more I think about it, the more logical, realistic, and brilliant it seems!  Sure there are some drawbacks…for example, I’m no young pup anymore…and it’s likely all the high end sugar mama’s would try to pass me up in exchange for some good looking, ridiculously fit, 22 year old.  But those young guys would be good for one thing and one thing only…and they would not be truly be grateful for what they had.   I, however, would appreciate and work hard for the gifts that my wonderful and generous sugar mama would no doubt bestow upon me.

For all you potential sugar mama’s out there – you should know that I’m hard working, handy around the house, known to make people laugh, and I would be willing to do odd jobs not normally associated with the roll of “boy toy”.  For example, I would be happy to wash your car (fully clothed, of course…unless buddha bellies turn you on), paint your house, pick up your dry cleaning, and any other odd jobs you would like to assign.  As far as bedroom responsibilities go, I come highly recommended by ex-girlfriends and can provide exemplary references upon request.  I am also willing to offer free legal representation for life after my graduation from law school…my gift to you so our relationship won’t be totally one sided.

It should be noted that I prefer a sugar mama of the Karen Walker variety (see picture above)…but I’m not kidding myself here, I’m in no position to be picky.  If interested, please e-mail me at  I look forward to you vastly improving my quality of life and supporting me through law school in exchange for me completing sexual favors and house hold chores whenever your heart desires.

This is totally going to work…I can feel it!

“That man is richest whose pleasures are the cheapest.”

– Henry David Thoreau

Best Super Bowl Commercial – Milkawha?

•February 8, 2010 • 1 Comment

Although the Colts lost…and Manning did not play up to the super human standards all his millions of fans have set for him (the Super Bowl hang over was in full effect this morning)…there was one shinning bright spot for me that almost made up for it – the e-trade “girlfriend” commercial.  This was…without question…the best commercial of the night and the funniest commercial I have seen in a long time.  Sure the Doritos “don’t touch my mama, don’t touch my Doritos” ad was funny…but the e-trade “girlfriend” commercial was just brilliant.

It starts off with the boy apologizing for last night…and his girlfriend going off about how she didn’t understand why he didn’t call…and he was like…what? I was on e-trade… taking care of business…wolf style!  Sadly for him…his girl called him out on his affections for another girl who may or may not have a milk problem.  And he, being the player he is,…replies, “Lindsay????”…like he has no idea what she is talking about…and then bam! Busted!

I was bummed the Colts lost…but a commercial about a cheating player baby getting busted on web cam was just down right hilarious.  Well done e-trade…instent classic!

“Only time can heal your broken heart, just as time can heal his broken arms and legs.”

– Miss Piggy   

Super Bowl Sunday – And the Monday that follows…

•February 7, 2010 • 3 Comments

I hope I don’t get sued by the NFL for typing out the words Super Bowl…I hear they are pretty strict about that.  I’m pulling for the Colts…I know the Saint’s are “america’s team”…but I’m a big fan of Peyton Manning and I really want him to get another Super Bowl ring so I have more ammo when I say he is the best to ever play the game.

I love Super Bowl Sunday….it’s like a wild party that can end up going one of two ways.  During the game, there is likely to be a lot of swearing…throwing things at the TV…and yelling so loudly that is scares my cat and makes her run out of the room.  Then there is the copious amounts of food and drink consumption…with total disregard to how you will feel in the morning.  But the outcome of the game changes everything; if your team wins, then it will all be worth it and the swearing, throwing things at the TV, and scaring of cats will be forgotten the next morning.  Indeed, life will be great and all will seem right with the world.

But if your team loses…well that is a whole nother story.  After a tough Super Bowl loss, Monday morning feels like a horrible hangover.  We are talking about a throbbing headache, the foul taste and smell of recent vomit coming from your mouth and nose, and hazy memories of getting a tatoo of some ridiculous saying in a foreign language on your back (we have all been there).  Yeah…a Super Bowl loss is really that tough!

But these are the things that make Super Bowl Sunday so great.  Man or woman; if you are emotionally invested in a team then you feel the ups and downs, the joys and pains, the victorious state of bliss…or the shame inducing hangover of defeat.  I have a great deal of emotional investment in the Colts and Peyton Manning…so I can only hope that as I’m walking into work tomorrow morning I have a smile on my face and a spring in my step.  Otherwise I’m going to be walking in with sunglasses, painkillers, a whole bottle of mouthwash, and a plausible explanation of why I have a tatoo on my back that says “I like butterflies” in french….yeah, that is going to be awkward.

Superbowl Sunday… it really is one of the best days of the year.  Go Colts!

“If it’s the ultimate game, how come they’re playing it again next year?”

—Dallas Cowboys quarterback Duane Thomas on the Super Bowl.

…Turn Around Bright Eyes…- Most Embarrassing Moments…#3

•February 4, 2010 • 2 Comments

Two weeks ago I was on a conference call with about 10 people…all from various other companies…talking about the wonders of whatever it was we were talking about.  During that conference call…someone sent me the “Literal Video Version” of the timeless classic Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler….which, by the way, is the best song ever…and anyone who thinks otherwise hates puppies and is a communist.  So, I put my work phone on mute and watched the video on my cell phone…laughing the whole time because it’s really funny.

Well…today we had the follow up call…with the same 10 people…reconnecting and sharing our progress.  During the call I was reminiscing about the last conference call and got Total Eclipse of the Heart stuck in my head.  On most days, I’m pretty good about hitting mute on my phone…so as to not make a fool out of myself…as I am prone to do.  Today, however, was not one of those days.

I started off just humming along while Bonnie Tyler’s musical gift to the world played in my head…no one on the call could really hear it.  Then, as the song starts to build, I started to hum a little louder…until I finally hit the crescendo.  With the call facilitator in mid sentence…I belt out…”and I need you more tonight…and I need you more then ever“….  It was at this time the conference call fell to a dead silence.  Wondering why the call stopped, I look at my phone and realize, with sheer terror, that my mute button was not lit up.

Figuring it best to fess up and admit that it was me…I say into the phone…”sorry everyone…I forgot to hit my mute button…won’t happen again”.  Then…much to my suprise…someone says…”I love that song”…and then someone else sings…”turn around”…in a deep voice just like the guy from the actual song.  We all got a good laugh and then the call continued…without further interruption.

Driving home tonight…I realized those 10 other people on the conference call will probably have Total Eclipse of the Heart stuck in their heads for the rest of the evening…(it really is a catchy song)…and will in turn get the song stuck in several other peoples heads before the night is over.  I take solace in knowing my jackassery has started a little chain of events that is no doubt bringing Bonnie Tyler’s magical musical masterpiece to the minds and lips of a few lucky people all over the country.   Corey…spreading the joy since 1974.

Here is the “Literal Video Version” of Total Eclipse of the Heart…enjoy.

“Music is what feelings sound like.”

– Anonymous

Corey’s worldview is…complicated…

•February 3, 2010 • 2 Comments

I watched the season premier of Lost last night (it was awesome)…and it got me thinking.  One of the key aspects of the show is the characters worldviews and how they are demonstrated based on the interactions and events stemming from their time on the island.  Unsure of what my worldview was…I found several quizes online to enlighten me.  The quizes presented statements like ‘morals are socially constructed’ or “the idea of god is purely for comfort’…and then asked how strongly you agreed or disagreed.  No matter which quiz I took, one answer always came out on top – Modernist.  Not sure exactly what that meant, I once again took to the web to find out.

It seems that Modernists believe in learning from the past and going deep into a subject to fully understand it.  In contrast, a postmodernist believes in superficial appearances and only looking at the surface of things to find meaning.  A Modernist is very analytical and uses rational and logical means to gain knowledge.  A Modernist also believe that mankind progresses by using science and reason as their guides.  Again in contract, a Romanticist believes in a simple life and the “progress” mankind has made has turned the world upside down.    

At first, I thought the Modernist label was a good fit.  At work I’m known as a numbers guy and I’m often asked to participate in meetings outside my department because of my ability to break things down and recognize trends and patterns in a cacophony of data.  But at the same time, I’m also very creative and emotional.  I play the guitar (for real…not just on rockband) and I was a drummer in a really bad punk band up in Bellingham during my younger years.  I’m an aspiring, though thus far completely unsuccessful, song writer and I have been known to get teary eyed while listening to song that I find beautiful and moving, or while watching a touching scene on The West Wing or The Wonder Years.

Confused by this paradox…I took a second look at the quizes and noticed my second ranked option was always the same as well…Existentialist.  After doing a little more exploring, I found out that an Existentialist is obsessed with how to live ones life and that life in general is difficult and devoid of a main “objective” or values.  In fact, an Existentialist believes that the individual is solely responsable for creating their own value and meaning  in whatever it is they do or feel.  There are no moral absolutes….or a predefined right or wrong, there is only what you truly believe…and right or wrong will be different depending on the person and where they are at in their life.

While I can’t learn a whole lot by surfing the web for a couple of hours and reading others peoples thoughts on worldviews, it has given me a place to start.  I think my default mode is Modernist…but when I strip away that work first frame of mind and look deeper, I think Existentialist is more accurate.  My morals and values, and the meaning I give to things are very different now then they were 1o, 5, or even 2 years ago.  Regardless, I hope to explore this further to better understand my motivations behind why I do the things I do.  Learning more about ones self is always a good thing…and I fear it’s something I don’t do enough of.

On a side note, I just took a “what Lost character are you” quiz.  First response…John Locke with 75%.  Second response…Dr. Jack Shephard with 68%.  Interesting that those two were always at odds with one another throughout the series…this could explain why I’m always so conflicted and arguing with myself all the time.  Thank god we have internet quizes…how would we know who we really are without them?

“Few Americans have been taught to think in terms of worldviews. They do not know what a worldview is; they could not spell out the content of their own worldview if their lives depended upon it; they are unaware of how various aspects of conflicting worldviews clash logically.”

– Ronald Nash

Corey’s Rock & Roll Lifestyle…

•February 1, 2010 • 2 Comments

party-with-richard-simmonsThis weekend I partied like a rockstar. Well, not so much a rockstar as a moderately succesful top 40 cover band.  It started with my friends birthday party where I drank way too much vodka in way to short of a time period, showed off my awesome rockband skills in front of 30 other people, and watched “Night of the Living Dead” until I passed out on the sofa.  Truth be told, I was out pretty early…and probably only partied for about 4 hours or so.  I’m lucky I didn’t end up with any strange writing on my face and embarrassing pictures posted online (note to self…look for potentially embarrassing pictures of me passed out online).

Saturday morning I stumbled around my friends living room, ate some stale food left out from the party, and played “wii fit”…all while being in that strange between state of drunk and hung over.  For the record…wii fit is hard to play while sober…so you can imagine the comedy of me trying to play while still being intoxicated – good times.

After some others from the party woke up, including the birthday boy himself, we cleaned up a little bit and then debated on where to go for some greasy breakfast food.  The birthday boy wanted Jack in the Box so we deferred to him and piled into Kate Winslet (I named my car Kate Winslet…what??…don’t judge!) for the drive over.  The hangover god’s were smiling on us that morning as the drive thru for Jack in the Box pointed right towards the window of one of those bikini espresso places.  The three of us kept staring in hung over silence…just waiting for a bikini wearing hottie to walk over to the sliding window.  When she finally did, in her red two piece, we raised our hands in praise, thanking the hangover gods for bestowing us with such blessings on a rainy saturday morning, grabbed our food, and went on our merry way…satisfied that Jack in the Box was indeed the right choice.

A little later that morning…some people who were at the party the night before came over to check in and make sure we were all still alive.  After an enlightening conversation about how NOT naming your daughter after an automobile is a key step in keeping her from an illustrious career involving a dance poll…I said my goodbyes and made the long drive home to Tacoma…where I promptly took some high powered pain pills and napped for 5 hours.

I needed to nap for an hour longer then I actually spent partying in order to get somewhat back to normal.  Man…do I know how to party or what?  Yup…long naps, being stoked about seeing a girl in a bikini in a jack in the box drive thru, and passing out on a sofa while watching Night of the Living Dead as 30 other people party around me…just another weekend in Corey’s rock & roll lifestyle.  The guys from Motley Crue have got nothing on me!

“A good friend would bail you out of jail, but your best friend would be the one sitting next to you saying, “damn that was awesome”.

– Anonymous

Best Of…January – and the winner is…

•January 31, 2010 • Leave a Comment

…”I Am NOT The Fire Starter”…a touching story chronicling the epic battle between me and my demonic new fire-place insert I named Double B.  Second place went to “The Evils of Gas Station Security Monitors – Most embarrassing Monents…#2…detailing the events that lead to the awareness of my nicely forming bald spot.  There were a couple of other posts that got some love…but those two bogarted most of the votes.  Thanks to everyone who took the time to select their favorite post!

Speaking of Double B…he is at this very minute efficiently slow burning wood and producing some nice, house-warming, flames.  I show him who is boss on a regular basis now that a concerned friend who feared for my safety came over and showed me the proper use of a fire-place insert.  It’s nice to have friends who know what the hell they are doing…and care enough not to let me burn to death in a fiery act of vengeance against an inanimate object.  That same friend also said something about me seeking professional help of the psychological veriaty…but I’m pretty sure he was kidding about that.        

 “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try.”

-Homer Simpson

Leave Me Alone Tina Fey!

•January 28, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Dreams are a funny thing.  They can make you wake up with a big dopey smile…ready to face the day.  Or they can make you wake up hating your life and wishing you could just stay in bed with a bottle of vodka and the covers up over your head.  Then there are dreams where you wake up and wonder…where the hell did that come from?…I call those WTF dreams.  Last night, I had a WTF dream featuring the lovely and talented Tina Fey.  I’m a fan of Tina’s work…her Sarah Palin impression is ridiculously funny, she is a highly talented writer, and she is cute as hell (I’m a big sucker for dorky girls in glasses).  But, in the history of my crazy, wacked out dreams, I’ve never had one about Tina Fey…and I had no idea what I was missing!  With dreams, a lot can be lost in translation…but I will attempt to re-create it…because I am a giver. 

The dream started with the two of us arriving at a big movie premier…and I, for some reason, was her date.   I was looking quite dashing in my tux and she looked smoking hot in a black dress with her dorky black glasses proudly on display. I don’t know which movie we were seeing but I played it cool and acted like I belonged there.  As we were walking up the red carpet, with reporters and cameras covering our every move, I felt a hand pinch my decidedly flat badonka donk.  Startled, I turn to her say…”Tina, I just got goosed”.   After taking a big swig from a flask that mysteriously appeared out of nowhere, she gives me a wink and says “you sure did cowboy” and grabs my hand as we run inside.    

While being lead to our seats, Tina keeps getting more and more handsy…grabbing at my naughty bits and saying things like “guess who is not wearing any underwear”…and…”I’m going to take a long ride on the C-train tonight…choo choo”.  Much to my relief, we are quickly seated next to the aisle toward the front… right next to Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan (they are a couple in my dream).  Tina, not skipping a beat, immediately leans over me and says…”Hanks, give me one of your Oscars…you don’t need them both you selfish bastard.”  Then, noticing Meg Ryan, she says…”Hey Meg…are you looking for work…because the punk who plays Kenneth the page needs a new assistant” and then starts laughing hysterically as Tom and Meg stare at her in shock. 

As I’m apologizing  for Tina’s drunk behaiver…she grabs me and says “come on beefcake, its time to make a baby”…and lays a big wet…and I’m not going to lie…fantastic kiss on me.  Embarrassed, I yell out…”Leave me alone Tina Fey…we are here to watch the movie!”.  Angry with determination, she yells back …”What Tina Fey wants, Tina Fey gets” and jumps on top of me like an olympic gymnast going for the gold.  The next thing I know, we are being escorted out by police and Tina is asking if we can get a private jail cell because we have some “unfinished business” to take care of.  Thinking we are already going to jail and there is not much to lose at this point, I give in to Tina’s advances and plan to make my move in the back of the cop car (what???  it’s a dream…it’s not logical).  Suddenly, the sirens on the cop car start to go off…but they quickly transition to the familiar sound of my evil evil alarm clock. 

As I smack the snooze button with frustration, confused and disappointed that I would not be making sweet monkey love with Tina Fey in the back of a squad car, I think about 3 things.  1, Tina Fey is a crazy drunk… and she totally wants me.   2, How awesome would our mug shots have been…and 3, I really need to stop watching 30 Rock marathons on my DVR before I go to bed….because it’s messing with my head.

“At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday.  So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.”

-Tina Fey

Cholesterol Sucks…

•January 26, 2010 • 1 Comment

I went to my doctor not to long ago to get a full check up…and make sure I’m not dying of anything I don’t know about.  She asked me a bunch of questions about my eating habits, my level of sexual promiscuity, poked me with some needles, and felt around in the land down under and asked me to cough (what is that all about anyway?).  As she was typing up her notes, I noticed she wrote…‘Corey is a 35 year old, well nourished male’.  Not sure what that meant I say…”Well nurished…are you calling me fat?”  She laughed and said “no, you are just well nurished…you are not undernourished”.  I replied “well why didn’t you just type I’m not undernurished”…she laughed some more and kept typing.  I could tell by the way she looked at me the rest of the visit that her new nickname for me would be “tubby”…even if she doesn’t say it…I know she is thinking it.

All in all it went pretty well and I left feeling like a relatively healthy, well nourished, 35 year old man.  And it turns out, I was right…well mostly right.  In my follow up appointment, my doctor informed me that every test came back clean and within normal ranges…except for one.  Apparently there is such a thing as “triglycerides”…my doctor assured me it’s not a made up word despite my protests to the contrary.   She told me it has something to do with cholesterol and there is a “healthy range” for your triglycerides to fall in…which is 40-249.  Now I have never been an over achiver…but it seems that triglycerides is one area were I excel because mine came in at an outstanding 270.  After saying “woo whoo” and doing the “raise the roof dance”, my doctor informed me that “go big or go home” is not appropriate for ones cholesterol and this was something I would need to work on.    

She gave me a stern talking to about the need to be more active and eat better because I’m not as young as I used to be and me eating crap all the time is catching up with me.  So now I’m basically stuck eating rabbit food…like salads with vegetables and crap 5 days out of the week….suck.  After promising to find a tennis partner and limit my fast food intake on the weekends she let me go and said “have a good rest of your afternoon”…and as I was walking out of the room…just faintly under her breath… I’m pretty sure I heard her say “tubby”.

“The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends”

– Anonymous