Leave Me Alone Tina Fey!

Dreams are a funny thing.  They can make you wake up with a big dopey smile…ready to face the day.  Or they can make you wake up hating your life and wishing you could just stay in bed with a bottle of vodka and the covers up over your head.  Then there are dreams where you wake up and wonder…where the hell did that come from?…I call those WTF dreams.  Last night, I had a WTF dream featuring the lovely and talented Tina Fey.  I’m a fan of Tina’s work…her Sarah Palin impression is ridiculously funny, she is a highly talented writer, and she is cute as hell (I’m a big sucker for dorky girls in glasses).  But, in the history of my crazy, wacked out dreams, I’ve never had one about Tina Fey…and I had no idea what I was missing!  With dreams, a lot can be lost in translation…but I will attempt to re-create it…because I am a giver. 

The dream started with the two of us arriving at a big movie premier…and I, for some reason, was her date.   I was looking quite dashing in my tux and she looked smoking hot in a black dress with her dorky black glasses proudly on display. I don’t know which movie we were seeing but I played it cool and acted like I belonged there.  As we were walking up the red carpet, with reporters and cameras covering our every move, I felt a hand pinch my decidedly flat badonka donk.  Startled, I turn to her say…”Tina, I just got goosed”.   After taking a big swig from a flask that mysteriously appeared out of nowhere, she gives me a wink and says “you sure did cowboy” and grabs my hand as we run inside.    

While being lead to our seats, Tina keeps getting more and more handsy…grabbing at my naughty bits and saying things like “guess who is not wearing any underwear”…and…”I’m going to take a long ride on the C-train tonight…choo choo”.  Much to my relief, we are quickly seated next to the aisle toward the front… right next to Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan (they are a couple in my dream).  Tina, not skipping a beat, immediately leans over me and says…”Hanks, give me one of your Oscars…you don’t need them both you selfish bastard.”  Then, noticing Meg Ryan, she says…”Hey Meg…are you looking for work…because the punk who plays Kenneth the page needs a new assistant” and then starts laughing hysterically as Tom and Meg stare at her in shock. 

As I’m apologizing  for Tina’s drunk behaiver…she grabs me and says “come on beefcake, its time to make a baby”…and lays a big wet…and I’m not going to lie…fantastic kiss on me.  Embarrassed, I yell out…”Leave me alone Tina Fey…we are here to watch the movie!”.  Angry with determination, she yells back …”What Tina Fey wants, Tina Fey gets” and jumps on top of me like an olympic gymnast going for the gold.  The next thing I know, we are being escorted out by police and Tina is asking if we can get a private jail cell because we have some “unfinished business” to take care of.  Thinking we are already going to jail and there is not much to lose at this point, I give in to Tina’s advances and plan to make my move in the back of the cop car (what???  it’s a dream…it’s not logical).  Suddenly, the sirens on the cop car start to go off…but they quickly transition to the familiar sound of my evil evil alarm clock. 

As I smack the snooze button with frustration, confused and disappointed that I would not be making sweet monkey love with Tina Fey in the back of a squad car, I think about 3 things.  1, Tina Fey is a crazy drunk… and she totally wants me.   2, How awesome would our mug shots have been…and 3, I really need to stop watching 30 Rock marathons on my DVR before I go to bed….because it’s messing with my head.

“At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday.  So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.”

-Tina Fey

~ by coreysays on January 28, 2010.

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