Squat The Parking (and now speeding ticket) God…

The West Seattle bridge sucks.  Well, actually, I have nothing against the bridge,  I just hate the 45 MPH speed limit.  In the immortal words of Sammy Haggar…I can’t drive 55…or 45 for that matter (the speed limit on the West Seattle bridge)…my car, Kate Winslet, will get mad at me if I do.  Also it’s ridiculous to have a speed limit that no one but grandparents and nervous, pimple faced, kids who are taking driving tests follow…but I digress.  The point of this story to highlight how sometimes believing in a God, Squat The Parking God in particular, allows for divine intervention, even though this intervention had nothing to do with parking. 

Before I dive into the story, a little background on Squat The Parking God is needed.  Many years ago, my wise and wonderful sister educated me as to the ways of Squat.  She informed me that Squat provides true believers with excellent parking spaces.  But, like relationships with most Gods, it comes at a price.  If you are blessed with a good parking space, it’s important to thank him right away, otherwise, it could be months before you find another good parking spot.  Squat is nothing if not a vengeful god.  For those of you who think I’m making this up, google “Squat The Parking God” and you find many links detailing the wonders of his power.  Now, it should be noted that in most of those pages, Squat is refered to as a “she”…and while this may be correct, in my 15 years of worship, I have always refered to Squat as a he, and this has never offended the proprietor of good parking.  Giving praise to Squat as a “he” or a “she” is not as important is just believing.  So there you have it, some background on Squat The Parking God…though I’m going to start referring to him as Squat The Parking & Speeding Ticket God from here on out…and for good reason. 

There I was, minding my own business, driving east bound on the west seattle bridge, trying to pass a very plan looking gray car going 45 (the speed limit).  When I tried to pass on the right, another car cut me off, so I was stuck behind this 45 MPH speed racer grandpa in front of me (which I was tailgating a little close too…I’m not proud of it, but he was going really slow).  Once the car on the right turned off, I made my move and started to pass the slow gray car at a very quick clip.   Suddenly,  I heard a short burst of police sirens…confused, I look around and see no sign of a police car anywhere in my area…so I continue my acceleration and leave said plan looking gray car in the dust (yeah…I really am that dumb).   

Awww…sweet freedom.  With no cars in front of me…I speed up to 60 MPH and sing along  to Forgot About Dre blasting from my stereo.  Out of nowhere, I hear the police sirens again and look in the mirror to see where the lights and sirens are coming from.  Sure enough, the plan gray UNMARKED COP car that suddenly found his gas pedal quickly catches up to me.  Frustrated at being so stupid (he gave me a warning for Christs sake) I start swearing like a porn star and look for a place to pull over.  Since we are on the West Seattle bridge, there is no place to pull over…so I continue to drive until an exit comes up…him tailgating me the whole time.  Now, to be fair to me…this slow ass gray car did not look anything like a cop car…if it did, I would not have acted like such a jackass.  It’s “unmarked” status was very effective.

Coming up to the north and south i5 off ramps, I resign myself to my fate of getting my first speeding ticket in over 10 years. Given how I was just tailgating him for a solid 3 minutes until I passed him at a speed well outside the accepted speed limit…I figured my chances of getting out of a ticket were slim.    As I start to take the i5 south exit (the first to come up) I look in my rearview mirror and see the police officer, still tailgating me,  lights and sirens going full blast, looking down at something (maybe running my license plate)…and drive right past the exit I had just taken.  My eyes are now the size of dinner plates and I  look out my side window (because we are now driving parallel and see him look up, look at me to his right, and notice the big cement blocks now separating us.  Merging on to i5…not really sure what just happened or how I could possibly be so lucky, I do what seemed the only logical thing to do…I thanked Squat The Parking God for this most fortuitous turn of events.                   

I was already a big believer in Squats powers…but now I’m a full-fledged, card caring disciple.  So just remember, the next time you get a great parking spot, or get out of a speeding ticket that you clearly and most righteously deserve…be sure to thank Squat The Parking & Speeding Ticket God…for he (or she depending on how you roll) is a good God to have on your side.

“I can believe anything…provided it’s incredible.”

– Oscar Wilde   

~ by coreysays on April 16, 2010.

2 Responses to “Squat The Parking (and now speeding ticket) God…”

  1. Ah Squat…he has been good to you over the years. Thank goodness your sis looks out for you and introduced you two!

  2. You spin a wonderful tale and an excelent case for paying homage to the mighty Squat…..

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