I Think Someone Is Shrinking My Pants…

I refuse to believe there could be any other reason as to why my pants are feeling a bit snug lately other than my pants are getting smaller.  I’m quite sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I have been eating ice-cream for breakfast the last several days.  It’s hard work being as out of shape as I am…I mean, how else am I going to be able to keep my professional bowlers figure? 

Most of the food I bought to help me make it through my 3 weeks of unemployment was not of the “healthy” variety.   I purchased enough pasta to feed a moderately sized, non dieting, mob family for a week (that includes Tony Soprano…and he is a big boy).  Enough beans, tortillas, cheese, and sour cream to feed the entire mexican national soccer team during a two-hour siesta lunch.  AND Safeway had Kraft Mac & Cheese on sale for $.60 a box…so I bought 10.  They also had Crunch Berry Capt’ Crunch on sale for $2.50 a box so I bought like 4 of those…but I always do that so it’s not outside the norm.  Note to self…write post about my love for kids morning cereal.

I still have two weeks to go before I start working again…so the way I see it, I have one of three options to make sure my pant shrinking problem stays under control.  1, I stop eating so many peanut butter M&M’s…which I’m pretty sure would require me to go to some inpatient dependency program…because they are like crack…well, crack laced with peanut butter.  2, I start buying bigger pants, which I fear will only be a short-term solution as the pants shrinking will likely continue.  Or 3, I stay up late and scope out just who the hell is shrinking my pants in the middle of the night and then spray them with mace.  I think option 3 is the most likely…you hear that you pant shrinking bastards…I’m on to you!

I’m hungry…guess I will go eat some peanut butter M&M’s…my pants better not shrink while I’m gone.

“SKINNY PEOPLE TICK ME OFF!!! Especially when they say things like, “You know sometimes I forget to eat.” Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my car keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.”

– SIOUXSIE Q

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~ by coreysays on April 11, 2010.

One Response to “I Think Someone Is Shrinking My Pants…”

  1. Here’s a thought… throw away the M&M’s. Don’t use full fat sour cream in your Mac&Cheese, try veggie tacos sans cheese but with a yummy pico de gallo, and remember…I’m always here for you…if you ever need some stern talking… I have no problem telling you what you should do 🙂 If its for the greater good…..like your cholesterol…and pant size.

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