Now Hiring – Ninja Assassins!

There it was…looking all awesome in its black hardback cover and silver writing that simply said “Ninja – The Shadow Warrior” on the front.  Thinking to myself…’I have always wanted to be a ninja’, I look around to make sure no one is watching and start to thumb through the tomb of deadly ninja secrets.  Intrigued by the cool pictures and thoughts of being able to show off sweet Ninja moves to my friends, I quickly made my way to the counter to make the purchase.  I was shocked when the price rang up at only $9…”what a steal” I say out loud to the clerk who was helping me.  Looking down at the book, then at me, she agreed with my assessment and replied, “oh there is some theft going on here for sure”.  I gave her a knowing smile as I walked out…clearly she was as big a fan of the Ninja arts as I was.

The book is really quite informative.  It talks about the history of the Ninja and how they started by exiled Chinese generals cohabitating with spiritual japanese monks in the mountains of Japan.  It also gives details to all the cool Ninja weapons that were used.  I remembered being about 12 years old when I begged my mom to buy me a Ninja throwing star.  I loved that Ninja star – for the whole day and a half that I had it.  One poorly aimed toss that may or may not have hit the side of my mom’s car and I’m grounded for two weeks –  the Ninja star never to be seen again.  The book also talks about Ninja training and how it takes 10+ years of endless practice and dedication to reach the ranks of Ninja.  Clearly the author was not aware of the Ninja training program offered at the YMCA…where in just 6 months (two-hour class every Monday and Wednesday) and a low price of $200 (cost of Ninja outfit not included), you too could be a Ninja.  Note to self – look into YMCA membership for potential Ninja class discount.         

One thing the book does not cover, however, is the limited career options for a Ninja.  It’s a tough economy right now…I bet even Ninjas are looking for work.  Yet, I never see the job title “Ninja Assassin” listed on Monster…or Criagslist for that matter.  I know because I have looked.  And how, exactly, does a Ninja network? Are there Ninja conferences you can attend at the local Hilton to learn about the latest and greatest Ninja techniques and weapons?  Do they carry around cards that says “Ninja Assassin”?  What if a Ninja is sitting next to some hot chick on an airplane and she asks “what you do for a living?”  Does he look at her with cool, steely eyes and say “I’m a Ninja, here is my card…cell number is on the back”.  Damn…that would be so cool – a Ninja would make the best single serving airplane friend ever!  

Maybe I’ve just stumbled onto a brilliant business idea – Corporate Ninja Job Placement.  I could offer Ninja’s to corporate clients for 1 or 2 day contract work, or even full-time direct hire positions.  I can totally see Microsoft or Starbucks needing a group of Ninja’s on staff to take care of business when someone gets out of line. Of course, the Ninja’s official title would be “Consultent”…but everyone would know.  Just one incident where Carl, the “consultant”, witnesses little Billy the intern drink the last of the coffee and NOT make a new pot, and word would get around.  Next thing you know, little Billy’s gone missing, and Carl, the “consultant”, gets a fresh cup of coffee delivered to his office every morning by upper management.     

Just think of the possibilities!  You have a Starbucks store not bringing in the revenue for which it was budgeted?  Guess what store manager is going to get a visit by Carl, the “consultant”, in the near future!  I bet performance would turn around real quick if a store manager recieved the following e-mail: 

“Dear Slacker,  

The revenue for your store has been down 15% this quarter.  Corporate has asked me to handle this situation – quietly.  Please note – if an increase in revenue is not demonstrated within 5 business days, I will be arriving on the 6th business day between the hours of midnight and 5am to “take a look at your numbers”.   

I know where you live…

Yours truly,

Carl – The “Consultant”  

I really think I’m onto something here.  Now I just need to find some Ninja’s who are looking for work.  I wonder if the YMCA would let me put up a “Now Hiring – Ninja Assassins” sign in their lobby.  I also wonder how long you have to be in the class before you can score a Ninja outfit…I would look pretty rad in a Ninja outfit.

“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can buy you a Ninja.”

– Unknown

~ by coreysays on March 12, 2010.

One Response to “Now Hiring – Ninja Assassins!”

  1. Funny…. You’re such a boy! Ninja’s are cool though…I’d hire a stealthy ninja to be here and clean my house. Do they do that??

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