All The Colors Seem To Fade To Gray…

I’m in a mood tonight…it’s 2:30am and I’m feeling out of sorts, out of place, and out of time.  Listening to sad music and thinking about the life I should be living, which looks nothing like the life I’m actually living.  I think about the roads I have taken and the choices I have made…were they the right roads to take…or the right choices to make?  Will I every really know?  I don’t feel like this very often anymore…but sometimes it sneaks up on me.  I remember many years ago I felt a similar sense of detachment…to my friends, to my family, to my life.  In an effort to have some sort of outlet for those feelings…I wrote the following:       

Seasons change…people change. As I start to see things how they really are, the light around me some how begins to dim. All the colors seem to fade to gray and the song that was always playing in my head I can no longer hear. Now there is only a strange haunting silence reminding me of the way things used to be.

All the days seem to run together as I constantly cater to other peoples needs. More often then not, I can’t seem remember what it is I am waking up for.  Is this all we have to look forward to? Is this all there really is? If so, then I feel cheated, I feel lied to.  Life should be more then this half hearted attempt at living…and I fear there is no one for me to blame but myself for the emptiness that surrounds me.

Why is it I see a different picture then everyone else?  Why is it the clearer the picture becomes…the closer I step to insanity?

I think I was “in a mood” for about three months straight when I wrote that.  Again, I don’t feel like this very often anymore…but tonight I do.  So I’m going to continue to sip my drink, listen to sad music and let this trip take me where ever it wants to go.  I know it will pass…but for now I’m captive to emotions and thoughts beyond my control…I’m just along for the sad and lonely ride.

“The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being.
His heart withers if it does not answer another heart.
His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration.”
– Pearl S. Buck

~ by coreysays on January 23, 2010.

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