My Cover Letter For The Open Buffalo Bills Head Coach Position

Buffalo Bills – NFL Franchise                                                                                                                

To Whom It May Concern:

Back on November 18th 2009, you fired head coach Dick Jauron after a 3-6 start.  As of today, January 3rd 2010, you have yet to fill the open head coach position in your organization.  After considerable analysis and soul searching on my part (hours and hours of watching NFL games on TV) it occurred to me that I may have found a solution to your head coaching needs….me.  I know on the surface this would seem like a very unorthodox move on your part, what with me not having any NFL coaching experience what so ever.  However, I believe looking at some eye opening facts will convince you that hiring me as your head coach makes a lot of sense. 

Let’s start with the current job market.  It’s true other teams in the NFL will be looking for a new head coach, but most other teams actually care about winning…while you do not.  Time after time, your organization has demonstrated a desire to avoid winning and keep your team in a hopeless state of chaos and despair.  Other coaching candidates will no doubt try to bring order and a “winning attitude” to your organization, where as I’m guaranteed to bring the chaos and despair you value so highly to a whole new level.  My friends won’t even let me pick where we go to dinner, just think of the shenanigans I could get into if I were responsible for making decisions for a whole football franchise. 

Now lets talk money.  Most coaches in the NFL demand salaries up in the millions or tens of millions of dollars.  I’m prepared to offer you my less then exceptional services for a mere $100,000 a year and an endless supply of peanut butter M&M’s (please note – the money is negotiable, the peanut butter M&M’s are not).  With me, you get a continued high level of suck that you demand of your head coaches….only for millions of dollars less then my competition.  Hiring me doesn’t seem so crazy now does it?

Still not sold?  Lets take a look at some other factors that should help persuade you:      

  • 6 years of managing my fantasy football team with bad draft choices and waver wire moves that amount to a whole lot of suck  
  • I get dominated while playing my “NFL Fever 2002” XBOX game…on the “easy” level
  • I’m likely to say some REALLY stupid things in press conferences, which would provide the team much free publicity (remember, any publicity is good publicity)

I believe no other candidate fits the open Buffalo Bills head coach position quite like me.  In fact, my track record of sucking at everything football, and you being able to procure my services on the cheap, is exactly what you are looking for.  If I don’t hear from you in the next several days, I will be forced to adjust my cover letter slightly and offer my coaching services to the Oakland Raiders.  The Raiders organization may actually hate winning more then you…but my fear of being shot prompted me to seek my fortunes with you first.

I will have my cell phone with me at all times in expectation of your call and look forward to hearing from you.

Thank you for your consideration,


~ by coreysays on January 3, 2010.

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